I’m fairly certain Alaska Digitel hates me.

Alaska Digitel and I are in a fight. Not a smack-down, pudding-throwing, carnival-style tickle fight, but one where I would enjoy taking Alaska Digitel’s entire customer service department and personally rocketshipping them to Pluto, and stomping on their collective face while screaming, “EAT IT, FUCKTARDS!”

Or something slightly wittier. And eloquent. And pertinent.

I had this brilliant inspiration last March while I was in Juneau to sign up for a Lifeline $1-a-month cell phone. For a mere $1 a month, I would no longer be tethered to the weakling landline in our house, but could instead bring my partners in conversation with me on vast journeys.  Naturally, being Alaska, I’d still have to use a calling card to call long distance, but… well, at least I was freed from the confines of the dark indoors.

I know, it seems a shame to pay any money to have the ability to walk outside, but those who question my logic have never been to Juneau on a sunny day. The idea of being stuck inside while the world taunts you in one of its few moments of glory is sadistic.  Masochistic. It’s just cruel to have to choose between taking advantage of the few moments your schedule allots you with friends and loved ones or the few moments Mother Nature allots you with natural sunlight in a temporal rain forest.

Hence the choice to spend precious dollars of my $80/month towards a cell phone that doesn’t naturally dial long distance.

Anywhoodle.

Fast forward to January, where I’ve now been fighting with Alaska Digitel for 4 months, trying to cancel my service. I have spoken with Carmen – who I am convinced is 1 of only 2 people who work in Customer Service at AK Digitel – no less than 5 times. I have faxed a copy of my Chicago lease to prove that I no longer am eligible for this service 3 times. I have even sent THEM a copy of their! own! bill! which they sent to me. And yet, still, I receive a notice informing me that I not only have a balance due, but it is now more than 30 days overdue and will soon be sent to collections.

Ergo, as the non-saga drags on, I melodramatically call Carmen once more to inform her of the situation, and to actually beg her to disconnect my service (which doesn’t work Down South anyhow), and remove any traces of charges from my account. Naturally, when Carmen answers the CS Dept. phone this time, she puts me on hold to check out my story, so that I can enjoy the blissful music of elevators for a full 10 minutes.

And this is when I decide that:

a) AK Digitel hates me, and

b) AK Digitel has developed a brilliant plan.

Because not only does AK Digitel have elevator music on their Hold station, but they have it on a station which IS NOT PROPERLY TUNED. I don’t know what is wrong with this station, or if the AK Digitel headquarters is perhaps on some sort of moving van that goes in and out of radio service which makes the music on said elevator station not so much ‘discernible’ as it is actually ‘half-to-three-fourths ear-wrenching fuzz.’   Which is fun. Like Chinese water torture.

On the other hand, while sitting with the phone as far away from my ear as possible whilst still close enough that I would hear the sultry tones of Carmen’s voice, I realized the brilliance of this solution: If AK Digitel can keep people on Chinese-music-torture hold for an indefinite period of time, eventually customers will become so enraged or ill at the music-fuzz that they will break and hang up the phone, deciding that sacrificing a few dollars a month was worth it to maintain their sanity.

In this case though, I called their bluff, and like the patient who pesters the squeaky Insurance Company to approve their claim, I persevered in the end. Righteousness Triumphs!  Mwahahaandallthat.

Perhaps this is Sarah Palin’s way of torturing me for moving down south and removing my meager monetary value from Alaska.

In other news, perhaps I have been reading too much about Gitmo lately….

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1 Response so far »

  1. 1

    […] February 11, 2009 · Filed under Rambles, Rants &#183 Tagged Alaska, Things that make me angry So remember how Alaska Digitel hates me? […]


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