Posts tagged Alcohol

Things that are hilarious and awful

I sort of hate drunk people.  I know it’s hypocrtical, because, well, I’ve totally been that drunk person who is so obnoxious all you can do is hope they stumble, hit their head on the side of the bar, and pass out, therein ceasing any emabarrassing debauchery (sidenote: to all the patrons of Tinkers that night sophomore year, let me extend a much-belated “Sorry“).

That aside, as a general rule, when you’re not drunk yourself, 87% of those who are serve only as a sad reminder of a) wasting money, b) alcoholism, c) social brainwashing, and d) unhealthy relationships.

Tonight, while walking home (sober) from a bar in Wrigleyville, within a short 10 minutes I was treated to a trifecta of drunken gloriousness.  The first moment of glory was a simple Girl-Walks-Into-Tree moment (better because the tree is 5 ft. off the sidewalk).  Drunken glory #2 includes a man dropping his cell phone and proceeding to kick said phone into the alley. Under a dumpster. Ew.

Drunken glory #3 was perhaps the most-cliched, yet most amazing of the three: the Intoxicated Fight. Stumbling Girl yells back half-way down the block and across the street, at Brutish Boy that she does NOT need help walking home (hint: her gait says she does).  Convo continues as such:

BB: Are you sure you’re okay? I could walk you home!

SG: You know what, Tom? FUCK YOU. No, FUCK YOU, TOM!  I hope you die!  I hope you fucking choke and die! [At this point she stomps back down the street towards ‘Tom’… awkwardly next to me.] FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU!

BB (aka Tom): What? No, fuck YOU. You’re fucking crazy.

SG: I hope you die. I hope you fucking die.

BB: You know you’re crazy, don’t you?  No, really, you know you’re crazy, right?

SG: Fucking die. Die die die. FUuuuUUuuucccckk!!!

It’s wonderful.  It’s actually like a guidebook of how to NOT have a conversation.  The antithesis of communication skills, all in one conversation: Yelling, not responding to what the other person is saying, speaking mostly in explatives, making incindiary comments with no possible beneficial outcome, blaming others.  It’s beautiful, really.

Moral: don’t drink and walk.  At least near me.

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Things I should not do

I should not update my blog while drunk.

I’m already a terrible speller, so I shall now rely solely on those little red squiggly lines to tell me when I spell things ghastly improperly.

I should mention that I don’t really drink. In college, I was basically a one-day-a-weeker, if that.  Since college, I’m about a once-every-two-to-three-months-er.  So it takes about 2 glasses of wine to get me drunk, theseadays.

Since polishing off a half a bottle of wine (and working on bottle #2), I have done the following:

1) Text my college crush, who I was convinced I was over until he emailed me abotu 3 days ago out of the blue.

2) Told my roommate even more details about my embarrassing hook-up from senior year’s Cinqo de Mayo party. Probably more than she wanted to know, but I love her.

3) Watched an episode of the Colbert Report. Man, if that shit is funny when you’re sober, when you’re drunk, it’s fucking hilarious.

4) Spelled about 2/5 of this post incorrectly.  Red squiggly lines, how I love thee.

Okay, I’m off to read an article in the Atlantic about whether Google is making us smarter (fingers crossed for YES or I by brain is fucking screwed).

Then Newsweek.

Oh my god I’m such a nerd. I’m drunk and I can’t even stop being dorky.

<Insert nerdface here>

PSSST I DON’T KNOW WHAT A NERDFACE LOOKS LIKE.

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