Posts tagged Brain melting

Things that need a reality check

Courtesy of CNN, Jenny Sanford makes a statement regarding her husband’s recent disappearance and infidelity:

I believe wholeheartedly in the sanctity, dignity and importance of the institution of marriage. I believe that has been consistently reflected in my actions. When I found out about my husband’s infidelity I worked immediately to first seek reconciliation through forgiveness, and then to work diligently to repair our marriage. We reached a point where I felt it was important to look my sons in the eyes and maintain my dignity, self-respect, and my basic sense of right and wrong. I therefore asked my husband to leave two weeks ago.

This trial separation was agreed to with the goal of ultimately strengthening our marriage. During this short separation it was agreed that Mark would not contact us. I kept this separation quiet out of respect of his public office and reputation, and in hopes of keeping our children from just this type of public exposure. Because of this separation, I did not know where he was in the past week.

I believe enduring love is primarily a commitment and an act of will, and for a marriage to be successful, that commitment must be reciprocal. I believe Mark has earned a chance to resurrect our marriage.

Jenny Sanford.  Please… just… just…

This man chose to spend his time during your trial separation – WHICH WAS INTENDED TO “STRENGTHEN [YOUR] MARRIAGE” – bonking his Argentinian mistress!

By disappearing. Unsubtly. To a foreign country.

Instead of doing something which would actually prove that he was committed to making this marriage work, he actually flaunted the fact that he doesn’t care.

You are so right.  He definitely has earned a second chance.

Leave a comment »

Can you claim workers comp for stupidity?

Setting: Office workplace, sunny day.

Characters:
Sienna:
Human Resources/Office guru extraordinaire
Miguel: Idiot savant minus the savant

[Scene]

Miguel appears and limps over to Sienna’s desk.

Miguel: Uhh, Sienna?  I think there’s something wrong.

Sienna: You’re an incompetent moron?

Miguel: Well, no, something else.  I hurt my knee, I think I need to file a Workers’ Comp claim.

Sienna: You’re kidding me, right?

Miguel: Um… no?  See me limping?  It hurts really bad! Why would I be making this up?

Sienna: No, seriously, you’re trying to be funny, right?

Miguel: No! What? Why?

Sienna: Miguel! This would be your THIRD Workers’ Comp claim. IN A MONTH.

Miguel: Um, yeah?

Sienna: You’ve had TWO OTHERS in the past year before these three! I have NEVER filed this many Workers’ Comp claims for anyone; Not even for employees who have been here fifteen years!

Miguel: Aahhhh… Your point?

Seinna: In the last month, you’ve injured your shoulder taking equipment off one of the trucks incorrectly; sprained your wrist helping another employee get un-stuck from the boring rig; and just this morning you injured your knee jumping off the bed of a pickup truck.  In the past year, you can add injuring your hand with a goddamn hammer, and injuring your back jumping on the boring machine trying to make it work.

Miguel: Yeah. Sounds about right.

Sienna: [Slams head repeatedly on keyboard.] Miguel, how did this even happen?

Miguel: Well, I was getting down from the truck.

Sienna: [long pause] … Aaaaand?…

Miguel: That’s it. I jumped down. And my knee got hurt jumping down.

Sienna: You… hurt… your knee… jumping down?  … from a truck?…

Miguel: Yeah!

Sienna: When did this happen?

Miguel: About five minutes ago.

Sienna: Um. Okay, here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to go to the kitchen. You’re going to get a bag of ice. You’re going to go back to your desk, elevate your leg, and ice. your. knee.  You are going to not move for at least 4 hours. If you need more ice, someone in your department will get it for you.  Get it?

Miguel: Sure, I guess.

[Miguel leaves. Sienna immediately begins googling: ” ‘workers comp’ ‘stupidity’ “]

3 hours later

Miguel hobbles over.

Sienna: What are you doing? I thought you were supposed to be sitting down, elevating your knee, and icing it. Not moving. Remember? Not moving?

Miguel: I had to go outside. My knee still hurts. I think I should file a claim.

Sienna: I’m not saying you shouldn’t, but why do you want to file a claim?

Miguel: Well, I need a claim number to see an orthopedic doctor.

Sienna: Uuuuh… don’t you have a PPO?  You should be able to see whatever doctor you want and have it completely covered. Are you sure you want to file a claim?

Miguel: Well, yeah, but the orthopedic doctor who I keep going to when I injure myself really idiotically says they need a claim number?

Sienna: But…? You…? Insurance?…  Umm…?  Okay. SURE. Whatever. [Sighs. Picks up notepad.] I’m going to need to ask you some questions though for the claim.  So, how exactly did this happen? Which part of the truck were you jumping from?

Miguel: Well, I jumped down from the truck.

Sienna: [Pause] Yes, I understand. What part of the truck?  The roof, the hood, the bed?

Miguel: I just jumped down off the truck.

Sienna: HOW HIGH OFF THE GROUND?

Miguel: Uh, I don’t really know?

[Sienna throws notepad at Miguel.]

Miguel: I guess a couple of feet. From the back.  Just one of those things, you know?

Sienna: One of those things… that has happened three times in a month?

Miguel: I guess.

Sienna: I hate you.

Miguel: Are we done now? ‘Cuz I’m going to go sit at my desk and stare at the wall.

Sienna: Great. Choke on a peanut while you do that.

Miguel: Can I claim Workers’ Comp for that?

<fin>

Comments (1) »

THE SHAKING MUST STOP

The past week or so, I’ve been feeling rather peaked.  My favorite maladies of trigger-point headaches and mysterious nausea have combined to attack my immune system and make it physically uncomfortable to be awake, to the point where I’ve missed one day of work and left early another.

Now, on top of the general malaise, the universe has apparently conspired to compound my suffering by causing my office building to shake.

Every. Ten. Seconds.

No, really.  I’ve timed it.

It shakes to the point that a piece of paper taped to my monitor visibly vibrates.

It shakes to the point that there is an audible rattling from things on my desk.

It shakes to the point that I can feel it while standing, sitting, or doing the polka.

But apparently it doesn’t shake enough that everyone in the office feels it.

My department is mystified.  The shaking is so bad that we feel like it’s contributing to headaches and distracting us from our work, but people in other departments claim they can”t feel it.

The shaking must stop.  It must. I’m losing my bloody mind.

The supposition amongst my coworkers is that there is pile driving going on nearby due to construction on a bridge or the like.  And for the most part I buy that.

But a small part of me is a tiiiiiny bit afraid that the entire city of Chicago is going to pull a LOST moment:

Island there

Island there

Island Gone

Island Gone

The shaking must stop.

Leave a comment »

Things that make me angry #4

Setting: Rainy day in the office. Office staff toiling away.

Cast:

Carla: Diligent Office employee

Miguel: Soils employee

Me: Another Diligent office employee.

SCENE: “Abridged Stupidity”

*Ring ring!*

Carla: Good afternoon, how can I help you?

Miguel: Hey, Carla?  Um, so, I sort of messed up.

Carla: Uhh, why, what happened?

Miguel: Well, uh, I sort of have the truck, right? And I was driving to a site, you know? Um, and with all the rain, it’s, uh, stuck in the middle of a field now. I tried to move it and I can’t get it out. I think I need a tow truck.

Carla: (Long silence)  Uhhhhh…

Miguel: Uhhmmm, yeah. So, can you, like, do that for me.

Carla: Uh, Miguel, I’m not in your department at all. Have you called Peter yet? He is your supervisor.

Miguel: Oh. Well, no?

Carla: Um. Okaaaayyy…. Hang on, let me put you on hold for a second.  <Places call on hold>  Hey. So, Miguel is apparently stuck in the middle of a field with one of the trucks.  Can we send a tow truck?

Me: What the fuck?  Where is Peter, this is his department? Why the hell is Miguel calling us?

Carla: Well, I don’t think Peter is in the office today.

Me: Miguel has his cell number though. Plus, Charles is here.  This is NOT our department. This shouldn’t fall to us. Seriously.

Carla: Well, I think he wants us to look up a tow company for him.

Me: We don’t even know where he is. If they need a credit card number, fine, but Charles can look it up, right? I know this seems mean, but honestly? Not. Our. Business.  How did he even end up in the damn field?

Carla: Well, I just feel bad. I don’t know how he ended up in the field. Let me ask. [Takes phone off hold.] Miguel? Okay, I can look up a few companies and give you numbers. [I roll eyes hard as Carla begins looking up numbers online] Hey, Miguel, how did you even get in the field?

Miguel: Well, uh, I was going out to a site… and… I ended up driving into this field, ‘cuz I thought it was the site.  But… uh, I found out that it’s not the right site.  It’s sort of down the road a little more.

[Silence]

Miguel: Uh, heh heh heh? So… Carla? Can you give me those phone numbers?

Carla: So you’re not even at the right site?!  [Sighs] Fine. Yeah, here, I have three for you.

Miguel: Well, can you just call them for me, you know?

Carla: Miguel, I don’t know where you are, what job site you’re supposed to even be on, or how big the budget for this project is. I have no idea how much this should cost. You should probably discuss this with your supervisor or at least someone in your department.

Miguel: Uh. Okay. But then you can call the tow companies for me, right?

Carla: Why doesn’t one of them just call for you?

Miguel: Well, because, uh, I …. called… you… first?

Carla: [Throws shoes at wall]

<Fin>

Leave a comment »

If A=B and B=C then A=…not A?

To: Peter
From: Erin
Re: Project
Do we have the FEIN sheet for this site? I thought we had to have one to submit but I can’t find it in the file.  Do you know?

To: Erin
From: Peter
Re: Project

I don’t know.  I would look in the file, myself.  Sorry.

Comments (1) »

A funny thing happened on the way to the Wendy’s

Scene: Office. Phones and internet are down. All calls to office being forwarded to an employee’s cell phone.

Cast:

Me: Diligent office employee
Miguel: Soils employee

[Scene]

BRRRRRRRRRIIINGGGGG!!!!

Me: Good afternoon, Gabriel Environmental Services.

Miguel: Hey.  Uuhh… so I guess I kinda made a little mistake.

Me: You forgot to turn in your timesheet again?

Miguel: No. Well, yes, but no. Something else.

Me: Uh, kay, what’s up?

Miguel: Well… I sort of, uh … locked the keys in the truck.

Me: What?

Miguel: I took my vest off, put it in the truck, locked the truck, and the realized the keys were in my vest.  Oops?

Me: [pause] Sigh. Ugh. This sucks.  Okay. Who is with you right now?

Miguel: Charlie and Adam.

Me: So, that would be everyone in the soils department?

Miguel: Um. Yeah.

Me: Well, where’s Peter?  He’s your supervisor.

Miguel: He’s out today.

Me: Out where?

Miguel: Working from home.

Me: Ugh. Fantastic. Alright, fine. What truck are you driving?

Miguel: Uum. I dunno. The new one.

Me: We don’t have a new truck.

Miguel: Yeah, we do. The new big one.

Me: No, we don’t. Truck 0? What number vehicle is it?

Miguel: No, not zero. I dunno, it’s just the new big one.

Me: Miguel, all of our vehicles are numbered. Truck 0, Truck 3, Geo 1, etc. Which one are you in?

Miguel: It’s the new one, it doesn’t have a number. It’s the big Ford.

Me: ALL OF OUR TRUCKS ARE FORDS!

Miguel: It’s the F-4250.

Me: [deep breathI…!? Okay. Okay. Fine. Do you know where the spare key is?

Miguel: Well, I’m not sure. But I think there is one.

Me: Well, okay, I can just bring Sienna’s set of super-spare keys.

Miguel: I’m not sure she has a spare. I know that I gave a spare to either Peter or Sienna, but I’m not sure who.

Me: MIGUEL.  Help me out here! I don’t know what truck you’re in, and you can’t tell me where the spare is. Give me something to go on!

Miguel: Uhhhh…

Me: Oooookkaaaaayyyy… well, Sienna’s not here, she’s off looking for internet so she can put in payroll so that we all, you know, get paid. And we’re using her cell phone to forward all the calls to, so… Okay, you know what? Fine. I’ll figure it out. I’ll find her somehow. Whatever. Where are you?

Miguel: On Ashland.

Me: [Long silence]  WHERE on Ashland, Miguel?

Miguel: Near the Wendy’s.

Me: WHICH WENDY’S?

Miguel: The one on Ashland.

[Have brain aneurysm. Recover. Continue talking.]

Me: Okay. You’re going to have to give me CROSS STREETS here.

Miguel: It’s near the ffewiojs station

Me: It’s near what?

Miguel: The station!

Me: CROSS STREETS!!

Miguel: Ashland and Haddon.  Well, Haddon is west of Ashland.

Me: Wait, so is that the cross street, or are you on a street that is west of Ashland?

Miguel: I’m west of Ashland on Haddon.

[Rap head against wall. Repeatedly.]

Me: [deep breath] MIGUEL. Right now I don’t know where you are, what car you’re locked out of and where any spare key might be. HELP ME OUT HERE.

Miguel: Ooh! It’s the side street right next to Division!

Me: OKAY!! I know where that is!! Great!  [pause]  Wait.  Miguel. Um. You realize that’s a 10-15 minute walk away from the office.

Miguel: Well, yeah… but… uh… then I’d walk there and get the key and have to walk back and then it’d be a half hour and… yeah….

Me:  We. Have. Other. Cars. This conversation has taken more than 15 minutes!!!!  Okay. No. Fine. Okay. I WILL FIGURE THIS OUT AND COME BRING YOU EVERY SPARE KEY WE HAVE.

Miguel: Okay, great, thanks!

Me: [throws shoes at wall].

<Fin>

Comments (1) »

Republicans have driven me to drink.

So I came home from another brain melting day of staring at a computer and turned on CSPAN (as most people do on Friday nights?), where I was greeted with a discussion with Keith Hall from the Bureau of Labor statistics and some elected representatives from Congress.

Being the dork really cool person I am, I decided it would be fun to watch this… on a Friday night.  I think this may have been where I went wrong.

Now, I’m a person who lives by the quote from The American President about how if you want free speech let’s see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil standing center stage advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours.

Sam Brownback decided to test me on this by being yet one more Republican talking about how giving money to education industry and programs will not create jobs.  Right. Because EDUCATION HAS NEVER CREATED ANY JOBS. OH WAIT YES IT HAS. Plus, on top of the funding allowing us to hire more teachers and personnel, Pell Grants allow kids to go to college.  Which doesn’t, you know, get them anywhere. Or keep them out of the workforce. I will never understand how people so anti-welfare aren’t absolutely flooding the education system with every.spare.cent. and then some.

He then tried to coerce Keith Hall into admitting or conjecturing about statistics that didn’t exist.

After 20 minutes I almost threw the damn remote at the TV.

Okay. Depsite the fact that many of my humorous stories are about myself being intoxicated, I actually don’t drink all that much.  As in, I think I’ve been drunk twice in the past year, or when I go to dinner with people at an Italian restaurant and everyone orders wine I order a carbonated beverage or tap water.

But after watching CSPAN for 20 minutes, I decided it would be cheaper to dull my system with a few beers than buying a new TV. So to the bar it was.

Sigh. I’m all for healthy discussion in politics and differences of opinions, but… the Republicans are driving me to drink.

I think John Cole says it best:

I really don’t understand how bipartisanship is ever going to work when one of the parties is insane. Imagine trying to negotiate an agreement on dinner plans with your date, and you suggest Italian and she states her preference would be a meal of tire rims and anthrax. If you can figure out a way to split the difference there and find a meal you will both enjoy, you can probably figure out how bipartisanship is going to work the next few years.

This is why I’m not allowed to actually work in politics.

Comments (1) »