Posts tagged Computers

Things that I throw at the Cubs

During today’s abysmal “game” the Cubs played (I refuse to admit that tripe was for anything but minor league practice), a friend (“Mo”) and I (“Me”) consoled each other by using the time-honored tradition of “Madness-inspired mockery medicine” via gchat.  It was the only unpainful part of the experience.

And because this is MY BLOG I get to repost it here Mwhahahahah!!!:

Mo: does my fantasy team win a prize for last place?

Me: sure they do. they get to meet aaron heilman.

Mo: uh, is the prize really called “an opportunity to kill aaron heilman”?
bc if so ill pick him up…


Mo: bob: “we’d like to envision what the cubs would be like if they played to their potential every game”
i hate len.
i tolerate bob

Me: i ignore them and pretend they’re ron or pat
Bob: “we keep playing like that, it’s not gonna work”
again, i say OH RLY?!?!?!?
Cuz we’re only, you know, EIGHT RUNS DOWN

Mo: True

Me: Len: “let’s see if jake can run a 10 run homer”
now THATS funny

Mo: “keep swingin until the umpire tells you its the last out”
thanks len

Me: “all the sudden this game gets pretty interesting”
an INJURY makes this interesting??
not the fact that we gave up ELEVEN RUNS
or that someone hit for the cycle

Mo: cause the Cubs only need another 7 runs now

Me: not interesting in that our newest pitcher got hurt?… or that someone had their MLB debut and blew chunks all over it and had to have A RAM translate larry rothschild’s advice to him b/c he doesn’t speak english well enough?

Mo: yeah, who was that guy?
i turned it on in the 2nd and was like who is that, never heard of him

Me: absolutely NO ONE.

Mo: i was like – jeff stevens got called up, but… that is not jeff stevens

Me: No. No it certainly was not.
Yeah!!! DROPPED BALL. Stoopid Rockies’ LF-er.

Mo: that looks like me playing OF

Me: that looks like like a milton bradley play
ha. jinx.
awwwww the closer’s getting taken out. im glad that your SEVEN RUN LEAD isn’t enough.

Mo: it all comes down to…


Mo: …koyie??? really??


Mo: fukudome is still on the bench

dont hit him though
he makes contact

Me: no, no why would they do that?

k im going to bed

Me: im gonna go throw things at the tv now

Mo: like your burning flaming computer?
actually, can you get video of that – id like to see it…

Me: Ugh, it’s worse now.  It goes black if you unplug it at all, and it stalls when you type so i make lots of typing errors ‘cuz i can’t see the words
Whatever. go slep.

Mo: hahaha. im gonna slep the shit of my bed

See, Cubs?  See what your awfulness brings about?!  STOP THAT. Oh, you’re about the play the Phillies, you say?  Siiiiigh.


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Things that mean you spend too much time on a computer

It can’t be a good indicator of what you spend your life doing when you start attempting to use computer controls in your real life.

I’ve begun using the phrase, “I wish I could just ctrl+z that,” when referring to actual events in my life.

(Apparently that keyboard shortcut is not quite as widely known as ctrl+c/ctrl+v because I often receive strange looks. Which only adds to the pathetisad factor in the Giant Dork Equation.)

Last week I wondered very briefly if I could revert my apartment back to a cleaner state by F5-refreshing the whole place.

And today, while chuckling at my coworker’s ridiculously sloppy desk, I had an urge to take a picture of the sty (in order to mock him righteously with my mad photoshopping skilz, obviously…) but remembered I’d unfortunately taken my camera home yesterday.

Immediately succeeded by the thought:
“Damn, I wish I could just ctrl+print screen this shot.”

Uh oh.

I need to leave this job.

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Things that are both creepy and embarrassing

As previously discussed, my computer/internet is not what one would call “top of the line.”  For this reason, when I know I will need to use a computer for personal use for a lengthy amount of time, I will often stay late at work and utilize the privileges of fast internet and large hard-drive space.

Tonight, I decided to abuse said privileges to register for my Grad School classes and listen to one more painful Cubs loss. As per usual, my meandering takes much longer than I’d expect and at one point I look outside and realize, to my shock, that it is in fact pitch dark.

With further use of my high intelligence (and inspection of a clock), I discover it is actually 9:30pm. My automatic “Oh, crap” mode snaps in, and I attempt to finish what I can before total patheticness sets in, when all the sudden, things get creepy.

See, now, at work,we often have people over inspecting the roof for various reasons: leaks, HVAC stuff, solar panels, etc. Therefore, I am well versed in what it sounds like when someone is walking on our roof.

And tonight, my brain abruptly registers this dull sound.



Ba-bum thump.

I pseudo-ignore it for a few minutes while I clean up, trying to imagine it’s thunder, the wind, my overactive brain, whatever.


Ba-dum bum. Thump.


That is SO not the wind.

Okay, so sometimes people break into our office building, steal some shit. Whatever. It’s petty shit, right? We’re not in the greatest area, but it’s not terrible… at least it’s better than it used to be when we had a prostitution ring semi-regularly use our parking lot for transactions. It’s probably some kids, who somehow scaled the wall to the roof. They’ll leave, right? They see there’s lights on, right? I’m not in any danger, right? RIGHT?





Okay.  Shit. My brain is going into overdrive, so I might as well call 311, and see if they’ll do a welfare check on the building. Then again, maybe I’m overreacting.

Ba-dum-bum-bum thump.



Okay, fine, I’m not overreacting. I dial.  311 decides my call IS an emergency and puts me through to police dispatch. I explain my situation, and pretend I’m not as freaked out as my brain is, and ask ever-so-nicely if they’d just possibly send someone over to check out the roof of the building. They agree, and after I hang up I have to decide whether or not I’m leaving or staying put until the cops get here.  After all, it’s just a welfare check, and this IS Chicago – it could take hours for them to arrive.


Thump. Thump Thump.

Ba-thump. Thud.

Right. Okay.
Staying put. Check.

I call a couple of people from work to keep myself calm and inform them of the situation, and, much to my surprise, after only about 5 minutes, three Chicago Police Officers show up.

On bicycles.

I graciously unlock and open the front door and talk to one of them while the other two circle the building. I 30-second sum up the past petty crime, the walking sounds on the roof, the fact that I’m in the building by myself when normally no one is at work this late. Mr. Police officer looks at me, and very kindly says:

“Oh. That does sound creepy, but are you sure it wasn’t the fireworks?”





It’s a Wednesday night. In Chicago. And there are fireworks at Navy Pier in the summer at 9:30pm. Every Wednesday.

That’s why the footsteps sounded so constant. And started so suddenly.



Mr. Police Men are very kind and not insulting at all as they offer to wait until I go inside, lock up, and get in one of the work trucks to drive home.

So. Um.  Thank you Police Sirs, for indulging my extraordinarily overactive brain for Things That Go Bump In The Dark.  Also, I think you’re pretty awesome for riding bikes while fighting crime.

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Things I should be doing

Things I should be doing:

1) Writing articles and doing formatting for 3 different newsletters

2) Doing stuff for reimbursement so our company actually gets paid by the government to clean up environmentally shitty sites

3) Researching scholarships

4) Applying for said scholarships

5) Budgeting my life for when I have to live pathetically off loans and be in massive debt.

6) Finishing the office recipe book I’ve avoided for 3 months.

Things I am actually doing:

1) Google image searching the following things: HIMYM stuff (see picture below), the word ‘soapy’ (DIRTY!), the word ‘yuck’, puppies in buckets, and Costa Rica

Awesome Gland

Awesome Gland

2) Emailing my coworker who sits 2 feet away from me… mostly with evidence of the above.

3) Thinking about how I’m mad I watched the stupid season finale of Grey’s (which I haven’t watched in over 2 years) and The Last King of Scotland instead of finishing the last 300 pages of Harry Potter 6 last night like I meant to.

4) Making this list comparison instead.

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Because this is what you do on Friday nights…

Talking via interweb with someone in the same living area as you, aka, “Freshman Year of College REDUX”, aka “It’s Fun to Regress to Being a Teenage Girl”:

Me: Soooo… serious question.
Roommate: Yes?
Me: Why am I sitting on the floor in the kitchen when we have – by my count – 12 chairs or seats of some kind in this apartment?

…okay, on second thought, maybe not so serious a question, but still valid.
Roommate: hehehe… Because you are normal.
Me: Well, obviously.
Roommate: And the kitchen is FUN. The rug makes the floor so appealing
Me: I know! I keep thinking I should probably shake it out in the back yard though.  It’s pretty dirty.
Roommate: Once while you were gone I just decided to sit down in the middle of the dining room on the rug.
Me: ha ha ha… again, normal. I mean, I basically do that every day when I get home from work and run through my day with you.
: I like that I just heard your laugh and saw it
Me: Tee hee hee.
Roommate: and again
Me: Ah ha! Stop!
Roommate: again
Roommate: hahahahahahaha.
Me: Ha ha ha ha! You’re making me laugh more, wanker!
Roommate: hahahahhahahah…. Ahahahahahaha!
Me: Be quiet in there!
Roommate: No, YOU be quiet. I’m TRYING to study!
Roommate: OH I WILL.
Me: WHATEVER.  Studying is lame anyways.  I mean, it’s Friday night, yo.  But FINE.
Roommate: I know, yo.
Me: I will go to the gas station and buy canola oil so I can make vegan whipped cream.
coo’ wHip.
Roommate: YUMMY
cool wHip.
Me: And then you can study…
Roommate: mmmmmm
Me: And we will stop laughing…
Roommate: FINALLY gosh
Me: via gchat
from rooms
shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! STOP LAUGHING.
Roommate: if only you had an IPhone so we could continue this while you were gone! Texting might get expensive
Me: Ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhh.  You know what would be even BETTER??
Roommate: WHAT?
Me: if I had a video-thingymajigger on my computer
so we could
Roommate: hahahahhahahahahahha! – sitting RIGHT NEXT TO EACHOTHER!!!  THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.
Me: I KNOW.  Man… the possibilities for conversation in this newfangled world of technology…they’re endless
Roommate: Well then, let’s go crazy!!!!
Me: WAAAHOOOOZZZZLLLEEE! Wait.  Problem. We already ARE crazy.
Roommate: Ha ha ha. Oh. Good point.
Me: At least according to that whole ‘Rest of the world’ thingy I hear about.
Roommate: What’s that?
Me: Yeah, I dont really know. I’ve heard it fabled before, but never actually experienced it.
Roommate: BTW, I like that we are typing at the same time
Me: noooooooooooooooooo!
Roommate: ah yes
Me: noooooooooooooooo! no more!
Roommate: ahkej’alfkdj’oiehj’klajf’ij
Me: d0ewiasdxc;’
Roommate: ajkls;j;riewahjf
Me: jdsaoppf
Roommate: djkdfal;iewjf
Me: dsanjlkdsafo
Roommate: fdsjal’ehfl’kasdf
Me: sdadsa;lfkds’a
Roommate: sdfljasdfkhpiadjf’adfsjasdfijasdf;'”A;sdfl
Me: ckxjv’x
Roommate: sdfnsdklf;noansfdm”:asdfnkasdf’knasdfamsd
Me: ur90w438
I got numbers!!
Roommate: fhahahahah
I threw an extra f on that one
: It’s okay.  I read Roommate. OKAY.  I AM GOING TO EL STOREO
Roommate: YAY
cool whip
Roommate: yeah I know… I read Roommate, too.
Roommate: Danke
Roommate: Stop screaming at me
Me: CAPS LOCK off… And now I’m going to laugh at you in person. And not via electronic device.
Roommate: fine
Me: fine

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My computer needs an exorcism?

My computer may be speaking in tongues.

I am aware that my computer is not, uh, say, the apex of technology.  In fact, a tech-nerd friend recently looked at my computer and more-or-less insinuated my computer belonged with some men painting pretty pictures of buffalo and deer on the wall of the cave.

It’s about 4 years old, and was bought as a replacement laptop my junior year of college after I’d spent an entire semester sans-functional computer and fighting with our on-campus computer-fixer service who didn’t so much “fix” my computer, and instead did something closer to “break” said computer. And then charged me $30. Fuck that.

While I had some hard-earned money, I did not necessarily have a great deal of it, and therefore I bought the cheapest computer available at CompUSA, and declared that in order to preserve its life for as long as possible, I would download as little as possible and use it only in the capacity of a) word processing, b) iTunes and c) basic internet services.

Four years and four cities later, I have stuck fairly close to that vow.  In fact, I never even upgraded my operating system to use Microsoft Word. No, I still have the (utterly craptastic) Microsoft Works Word Processor, which is compatible with nothing, and makes for turning in work electronically super-duper fun annoying.

Despite this all, I think my computer is starting to rebel. Or it’s slowly becoming possessed by some sort of demon.  See evidence below:

  1. In the time it takes to start up my computer, I can watch nearly half an episode of the Daily Show.
  2. Internet connection disappears arbitrarily and the computer utterly refuses to find any available networks until I restart (see #1). This can happen anywhere from zero to five times a night while my roommate’s computer remains connected to our wireless network.
  3. Suddenly one night about a year ago, the computer decided it will not work unless plugged into the wall.  The battery dies less than 2 minutes after unplugging (see #1).
  4. Every so often the screen will blank out, giving me a screen with white vertical lines on a whiteish background, sort of like this (but more white):
    Vertical White Lines of Death

    Vertical White Lines of Death

    Have to restart (see #1).

    And my favorite and most recent addition to the “Computer Slowly Possessed by Evil Spirits” Theory:

  5. My computer has started typing backwards.  Every so often I’ll go to type in a URL or something into the Google Search bar, and instead of coming out “pink fish”, I end up with “hsifkni p”.  Yeah. I have no idea. And fixed how? That’s right, see #1.

My computer is in serious needs of an exorcism.

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