Posts tagged Internet

Things about things you never wanted to know

Apparently the easiest way to find this blog is to google image search some combination of the words: “Volleyball smash.”

Yup. Things you never wanted to know.

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Things about health care

I can’t really say it better than this. Plus, I can’t draw better than this either, so why try:

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Things that I throw at the Cubs

During today’s abysmal “game” the Cubs played (I refuse to admit that tripe was for anything but minor league practice), a friend (“Mo”) and I (“Me”) consoled each other by using the time-honored tradition of “Madness-inspired mockery medicine” via gchat.  It was the only unpainful part of the experience.

And because this is MY BLOG I get to repost it here Mwhahahahah!!!:

Mo: does my fantasy team win a prize for last place?

Me: sure they do. they get to meet aaron heilman.

Mo: uh, is the prize really called “an opportunity to kill aaron heilman”?
bc if so ill pick him up…

Me: IF THAT WAS THE PRIZE I WOULD JOIN YOUR LEAGUE AND PICK HIM UP SO I COULD WIN LAST PLACE

Mo: bob: “we’d like to envision what the cubs would be like if they played to their potential every game”
i hate len.
i tolerate bob

Me: i ignore them and pretend they’re ron or pat
Bob: “we keep playing like that, it’s not gonna work”
again, i say OH RLY?!?!?!?
Cuz we’re only, you know, EIGHT RUNS DOWN

Mo: True

Me: Len: “let’s see if jake can run a 10 run homer”
now THATS funny

Mo: “keep swingin until the umpire tells you its the last out”
thanks len
thanks

Me: “all the sudden this game gets pretty interesting”
what?
len
what
what?
REALLY??
an INJURY makes this interesting??
not the fact that we gave up ELEVEN RUNS
or that someone hit for the cycle

Mo: cause the Cubs only need another 7 runs now

Me: not interesting in that our newest pitcher got hurt?… or that someone had their MLB debut and blew chunks all over it and had to have A RAM translate larry rothschild’s advice to him b/c he doesn’t speak english well enough?

Mo: yeah, who was that guy?
i turned it on in the 2nd and was like who is that, never heard of him

Me: absolutely NO ONE.

Mo: i was like – jeff stevens got called up, but… that is not jeff stevens

Me: No. No it certainly was not.
Yeah!!! DROPPED BALL. Stoopid Rockies’ LF-er.

Mo: that looks like me playing OF

Me: that looks like like a milton bradley play
ha. jinx.
awwwww the closer’s getting taken out. im glad that your SEVEN RUN LEAD isn’t enough.

Mo: it all comes down to…

Me: YES LAST GREAT HOPE
KOYIE HILL

Mo: …koyie??? really??
hahahahaah

Me: JUST WHO I WANT AT THE PLATE

Mo: fukudome is still on the bench

dont hit him though
he makes contact

Me: no, no why would they do that?
FUCK.
SHIT.

Mo: STOOPID CUBS. Sigh.
k im going to bed

Me: im gonna go throw things at the tv now

Mo: like your burning flaming computer?
actually, can you get video of that – id like to see it…

Me: Ugh, it’s worse now.  It goes black if you unplug it at all, and it stalls when you type so i make lots of typing errors ‘cuz i can’t see the words
Whatever. go slep.

Mo: hahaha. im gonna slep the shit of my bed

See, Cubs?  See what your awfulness brings about?!  STOP THAT. Oh, you’re about the play the Phillies, you say?  Siiiiigh.

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Things I should be doing

Things I should be doing:

1) Writing articles and doing formatting for 3 different newsletters

2) Doing stuff for reimbursement so our company actually gets paid by the government to clean up environmentally shitty sites

3) Researching scholarships

4) Applying for said scholarships

5) Budgeting my life for when I have to live pathetically off loans and be in massive debt.

6) Finishing the office recipe book I’ve avoided for 3 months.

Things I am actually doing:

1) Google image searching the following things: HIMYM stuff (see picture below), the word ‘soapy’ (DIRTY!), the word ‘yuck’, puppies in buckets, and Costa Rica

Awesome Gland

Awesome Gland

2) Emailing my coworker who sits 2 feet away from me… mostly with evidence of the above.

3) Thinking about how I’m mad I watched the stupid season finale of Grey’s (which I haven’t watched in over 2 years) and The Last King of Scotland instead of finishing the last 300 pages of Harry Potter 6 last night like I meant to.

4) Making this list comparison instead.

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Because this is what you do on Friday nights…

Talking via interweb with someone in the same living area as you, aka, “Freshman Year of College REDUX”, aka “It’s Fun to Regress to Being a Teenage Girl”:

Me: Soooo… serious question.
Roommate: Yes?
Me: Why am I sitting on the floor in the kitchen when we have – by my count – 12 chairs or seats of some kind in this apartment?

…okay, on second thought, maybe not so serious a question, but still valid.
Roommate: hehehe… Because you are normal.
Me: Well, obviously.
Roommate: And the kitchen is FUN. The rug makes the floor so appealing
Me: I know! I keep thinking I should probably shake it out in the back yard though.  It’s pretty dirty.
Roommate: Once while you were gone I just decided to sit down in the middle of the dining room on the rug.
Me: ha ha ha… again, normal. I mean, I basically do that every day when I get home from work and run through my day with you.
Roommate
: I like that I just heard your laugh and saw it
Me: Tee hee hee.
Roommate: and again
Me: Ah ha! Stop!
Roommate: again
Me: STOP!
Roommate: hahahahahahaha.
Me: Ha ha ha ha! You’re making me laugh more, wanker!
Roommate: hahahahhahahah…. Ahahahahahaha!
Me: Be quiet in there!
Roommate: No, YOU be quiet. I’m TRYING to study!
Me: MAKE ME.
Roommate: OH I WILL.
Me: WHATEVER.  Studying is lame anyways.  I mean, it’s Friday night, yo.  But FINE.
Roommate: I know, yo.
Me: I will go to the gas station and buy canola oil so I can make vegan whipped cream.
coo’ wHip.
Roommate: YUMMY
cool wHip.
Me: And then you can study…
Roommate: mmmmmm
Me: And we will stop laughing…
Roommate: FINALLY gosh
Me: via gchat
from rooms
next
to
each
other
.
shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! STOP LAUGHING.
Roommate: if only you had an IPhone so we could continue this while you were gone! Texting might get expensive
Me: Ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhh.  You know what would be even BETTER??
Roommate: WHAT?
Me: if I had a video-thingymajigger on my computer
so we could
CHAT
VIA
VIDEO
Roommate: hahahahhahahahahahha! – sitting RIGHT NEXT TO EACHOTHER!!!  THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.
Me: I KNOW.  Man… the possibilities for conversation in this newfangled world of technology…they’re endless
Roommate: Well then, let’s go crazy!!!!
Me: WAAAHOOOOZZZZLLLEEE! Wait.  Problem. We already ARE crazy.
Roommate: Ha ha ha. Oh. Good point.
Me: At least according to that whole ‘Rest of the world’ thingy I hear about.
Roommate: What’s that?
Me: Yeah, I dont really know. I’ve heard it fabled before, but never actually experienced it.
Roommate: BTW, I like that we are typing at the same time
Me: noooooooooooooooooo!
Roommate: ah yes
Me: noooooooooooooooo! no more!
Roommate: ahkej’alfkdj’oiehj’klajf’ij
Me: d0ewiasdxc;’
Roommate: ajkls;j;riewahjf
Me: jdsaoppf
Roommate: djkdfal;iewjf
Me: dsanjlkdsafo
Roommate: fdsjal’ehfl’kasdf
Me: sdadsa;lfkds’a
Roommate: sdfljasdfkhpiadjf’adfsjasdfijasdf;'”A;sdfl
‘asdfksdjf’lajsdfkl’a
Me: ckxjv’x
e4uw9rfo
Roommate: sdfnsdklf;noansfdm”:asdfnkasdf’knasdfamsd
Me: ur90w438
I got numbers!!
HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES
Roommate: fhahahahah
I threw an extra f on that one
Me
: It’s okay.  I read Roommate. OKAY.  I AM GOING TO EL STOREO
Roommate: YAY
cool whip
Me: AND BY EL STOREO I MEAN EL GAS STATIONO
Roommate: yeah I know… I read Roommate, too.
Me: OH SNAP
Roommate: Danke
Me: TOUCH-E.  AND BITTE
Roommate: Stop screaming at me
Me: CAPS LOCK off… And now I’m going to laugh at you in person. And not via electronic device.
Roommate: fine
Me: fine

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Plastics make it possible… for us to smother ourselves?

Those who know me are aware that at my current place of employment, one of my tasks is writing and designing the newsletters that are emailed/faxed/printed every month/bimonth/quarter about goings-on in the environmental industry.  And those who know me even further are aware that I have things I choose to be incredibly anal and OCD-esque regarding.  For instance, while I choose to be anal towards the proper use of the word “whom” and other lame rules of grammar, I will probably never learn to correctly spell the word “definitely” on the first shot (yes, I typed it ‘definately’ there originally). *

One of things I’ve decided to embrace OCD with is doing the research for these newsletter articles.  The point that matters to me is namely that somebody reads these articles, and therefore I could potentially be the source of someone saying, “You know, I read somewhere that…” See that?? “Somewhere” could be within my reach of manipulation!  LOOK AT MY POWER!!!  Therefore, in my mind that means I better make sure this shit is as accurate as possible.

Fast forward to me doing a sidebar on why you should email us so that we can GIVE YOU FREE SHIT WITH OUR LOGO ON IT SO YOU REMEMBER TO USE OUR COMPANY. Specifically, this month, we’d like to give you reusable grocery bags, which is pretty bad assed and exciting. Instead of doing a lame article on how Maui has banned plastic bags in 2010 again, I decided I’d throw some paper v. plastic stats in there, since clients seem to enjoy clicking in to studies and stats like that.

And after spending far more hours on this than I should have, I have discovered this:  We’re going to fucking smother ourselves in garbage.

I mean, I figured that both paper and plastic bags are pretty wasteful, and – no surprise – they are.  But what’s shocking is just how insanely wasteful they are, and how we are burying ourselves in garbage.

The amount of energy it takes to create one bag (higher for paper), much less RECYCLE the bags (again, much higher required for paper) is already jaw dropping when you multiple it by the billions of bags used every. single. day.  Plus, the EPA estimates only 5% of plastic bags and 12% of paper bags were recycled in 2005.  Newspaper is recycled in the US an estimated 80% of the time.

Top that depressing news off with the fact the plastics can usually only be recycled into a lower grade plastic; therefore plastic bags, which are normally made of #1 and #2 plastics can only be recycled (“downcycled”) into plastics of lower grade than itself.  And this can usually only happen once.  My limited science readability tells me that this is because the bonds in plastic break while being recycled and cannot be reformed in the same way again. Yes, it’s way more complicated than that, but I refuse to attempt to exposit any further for fear of looking like a complete ass regurgitating sciencey knowledge.

Oh, and if biodegradable plastics accidentally get mixed in, the recycled plastic product is way less valuable. Plus regulations on food/soda/water bottles and containers are that they must be made of virgin resin materials, so nothing that ever touches food is going to be made from recycled materials.

So, therefore if

plastic bags : bad :: paper must : good,

right?

Well, actually, paper bags are arguably worse.  Not only, as reported before, does creating and recycling paper bags require significant amounts of energy to produce due to its materials and thickness,but they also require thousands of gallons more over plastic bags, and strip the land of natural resources in order to make sturdy, high-quality paper.  But the one good thing paper bags really have going for them is their reputation as ‘natural’ products that will decompose significantly faster than plastics in landfills.  So that’s gotta be something, right?

Mais, au contraire.

There are several studies and reports, including one study quoted by the EPA, which state that paper bags, due both to their thickness as well as the lack of light, air, and moisture in landfills, won’t actually decompose any faster than plastic bags in landfills.  Now, I take this knowing the study quoted here was commissioned by the french equivalent of Walmart (Carrefour), so they have a vested interest in finding plastic bags, which are cheap to buy/produce/transport, as the environmental winner, but their full conclusion was more along the lines of “Nothing Ever Goes Away; We’re Royally Fucked.” (Okay, maybe I read between the lines of the conclusion.)

On top of that all, if you compost paper bags (which I have done), apparently it releases twice the amount of CO2 into the atmosphere as non-composting paper does.

But flipside the issues again and there’s the negative greenhouse issues of burning plastic bags. And the fact that plastics in landfills, no matter how much water, light, and air given, will never biodegrade completely, because small fibers always remain.

And then you just think of the fact that 95% of this shit just goes here anyways:

Massive Garbage Dumps That Go On Forever

Massive Garbage Dumps That Go On Forever

And then you realize that even if we stopped using plastic completely TODAY (which, for multifaceted and obvious legal, political and economic reasons, could never happen), this still wouldn’t go away for thousands and thousands of years.  And yet, we continue to consume upwards of 500,000,000,000 plastic bags Each. Effing. Year.

Sometimes researching shit like blows my mind and completely overwhelms me on its vastness scale.  Also because I don’t know if we’ll ever be ready as a global society to change our habits unilaterally fast enough to actually make a difference.

Le sigh, for the world.

* Fun sidenote: While I adore grammar, I am somewhat of a terrible speller.  I’ve improved greatly over the years, and I spell basic words properly most of the time (angry face to those who spell your/you’re either a) incorrectly, or b) ubiquitously as “ur”), even if I have to constantly pause and think “I before E, except after C….”  Despite this, in 4th grade, while I scored in the 99th percentile for all of my other standardized CAT** tests… er, in spelling? I scored in the 74th. Oops?

** Other fun sidenote: CAT = California Acheivement Test.  Where did I grow up?  Illinois.  Yeah. Riddle me stumped.

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Sleepwalking FAIL

It’s extremely difficult to pretend you are performing some sort of productive task at work when you are trying to hide your laughter, but instead it comes out as a horrible muffled snort-laughter, coupled with tears streaming down your cheeks.

Exhibit A of “Things I’m no longer allowed to watch at work”:

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