Posts tagged Irony

Things about wars on mice

Alright.  This is getting ridiculous.

I have one phobia. One. It’s irrational (hence, phobia), and stupid. But very real.

Mice. Ugh. I hate them.

If there’s a mouse in my house, I have a hard time sleeping. I imagine them crawling on me, and every time the wind blows and bends a window screen or makes the house creak, I am convinced it’s mice infesting and breeding in the walls.

But I’m pretty sure the universe has decided my phobia is so neurotic, it’s going to make it a goal to mock me as much as humanly possible.

Every place I have ever lived has had mice, with the (somewhat odd) exception of my apartment senior year of college (although my roommate had cats for half that year, which could have contributed.).

When I moved into my apartment in Boston, the absolute first thing I saw in our kitchen was a dead mouse stuck in a trap.  Naturally, I freaked out, called my sister, and waited for my roommate to come and clean it up. And barely slept that first night, despite assurances from the landlord and the exterminator they were convinced that was the last one they just hadn’t been able to catch.

Fast forward 2+ months, and surprisingly, there’s actually been no additional evidence of any mice!  Until now…

As a mouse phobic, I’m highly sensitive to mouse droppings, and based on the tiny size of these droppings, we’re looking at baby mice. No.  FUCK THAT.  I’m not having fucking baby mice making my house into their breeding ground.  That’s literally my worst nightmare.  Nuh uh.

War.

Mouse war #1, earlier this year in a different city, started with peppermint, was taken care of by blocking up holes and entry points, and our feelings were mollified by D-Con tablets left out.

Fuck that. This time I’m starting with the D-Con.

Which I sort of bought without consulting all my roommates.  But I don’t really understand people who don’t want mice to get the hell out of their house by any means necessary. ‘Cuz I’m a bad person apparently.

It’s time for these fuckers to die.

God, I hate mice.

(Ironically enough, in 3 days I’m going to see a very big mouse, and I couldn’t be happier.  It might help that a) he’s not real, b) he’s in Florida.)

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Things about not having a job

This is the first time since I was 15 years old that I have not had a job. At all. That’s 9+ years of employment ended. And what’s more, I’m not sure I’m going to get one, since I’m taking an [apparently] insane amount of credits, which is 18 this semester.  So while I would like to have a job – or barring that, at least an unpaid internship which excuses my conscience from not bringing in money but makes my resume happy – I’m not sure that my school load will allow me to do this.

Somehow or another, though, with absolutely no income to speak of… I seem to be spending more money.  Since I know I can’t replace it, I just keep mentally saying, “Screw it” and deciding everything I want is an “investment” anyhow. (Can jeans be an investment? You decide, because my mental acrobatics which swing me between Guilt and Fuck it have given up.)

I really don’t understand how the mathematics of ‘Make no money’ = ‘Spend more money’.

Let’s see how things are in 2 months when my bank account is actually zero.  It’ll be awesome.

ps – No, it won’t.

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Things that need a reality check

Courtesy of CNN, Jenny Sanford makes a statement regarding her husband’s recent disappearance and infidelity:

I believe wholeheartedly in the sanctity, dignity and importance of the institution of marriage. I believe that has been consistently reflected in my actions. When I found out about my husband’s infidelity I worked immediately to first seek reconciliation through forgiveness, and then to work diligently to repair our marriage. We reached a point where I felt it was important to look my sons in the eyes and maintain my dignity, self-respect, and my basic sense of right and wrong. I therefore asked my husband to leave two weeks ago.

This trial separation was agreed to with the goal of ultimately strengthening our marriage. During this short separation it was agreed that Mark would not contact us. I kept this separation quiet out of respect of his public office and reputation, and in hopes of keeping our children from just this type of public exposure. Because of this separation, I did not know where he was in the past week.

I believe enduring love is primarily a commitment and an act of will, and for a marriage to be successful, that commitment must be reciprocal. I believe Mark has earned a chance to resurrect our marriage.

Jenny Sanford.  Please… just… just…

This man chose to spend his time during your trial separation – WHICH WAS INTENDED TO “STRENGTHEN [YOUR] MARRIAGE” – bonking his Argentinian mistress!

By disappearing. Unsubtly. To a foreign country.

Instead of doing something which would actually prove that he was committed to making this marriage work, he actually flaunted the fact that he doesn’t care.

You are so right.  He definitely has earned a second chance.

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Ultimate Irony

Tonight, while packing for a flight tomorrow, I suddenly realized I was missing a semi-important piece of paper I’d forgotten about.  The forgetting in itself wasn’t such a big deal, it’s not an incredibly time-sensitive item.  What was a big deal was that the last remembered handling it was about, oh, 7 months ago, which means it could be floating in the vast abyss of Galaxy #4819384Q by now for all I know.

As I naturally do whilst procrastinating things such as packing, I decided that I must find this paper Right! This! Minute! and began my frantic search.  Now, over the past, oh, 9 or 10 months, I’ve slowly amassed a large… well, I title it my, “I Will Go Through This Later When I Have Time and Inclination” pile. But “shit” would work nicely as a title as well.

Therefore, the obvious place to find said missing paper would be somewhere near the bottom of this pile. And as I shuffled through random statements, fliers, x-rays, reusable grocery bags, and a neglected pedometer, after about 5 minutes I did not find the missing sheet of paper… but I did happen across a book.

Curious as to what book I would have tossed so carelessly into the “Ignore and it will file itself” pile, I paused my search long enough to peruse the title, and immediately burst out laughing.

The book was lent to me several months ago by my sister and was titled:

I Hate Filing: Everything You Need to Get Organized for Success and Sanity at Home, on the Run and in the Office.

Organization FAIL

Organization FAIL

<Insert Maniacal Laughing here>

IRONY WIN.

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