Posts tagged work

Things that are good to know during 100*F weather

It’s usually pretty good for your company to tell you that the air conditioning (or really, the cool air function in general) doesn’t work in the car in which they send you to the bank. Oh, and the back window don’t go down, either.  In weather close to 100*F heat index.

Worst 20 minutes of my life?

Probably not, but holy shit, motherfucker.

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Things that need to happen soon

After a meeting today with out insurance agent, we discovered our company’s health care costs are about to increase… by 40%.

FORTY. PERCENT.

Hello???  HEALTH CARE REFORM, WHERE AAAARRREEE YOOOUUU??

I can say, as a representative of a small business, my company is desperate for a public option.  C’mon, Congress, you know you want to give us legislation that’s not a piece of shit. Just stop the whole ‘heads up your asses’ thing and do it.

Additionally, according to a Newsweek article online now:

In the study of 173 countries, we stood with Liberia, Swaziland, and Papua New Guinea as the only countries providing no paid maternity leave. Of the 169 countries that guarantee paid maternity leave, 98 of them provide 14 or more weeks. Among wealthy countries—except ours—parents are entitled to as much as 47 weeks of paid family leave.

Sad face emoticons don’t do my disappointment justice when I realize that one of the most advanced, powerful, and wealthy countries in the world is on par with Swaziland for anything. No disrespect meant to Swaziland, but… it’s a country with nearly 70% of it’s population below the poverty line.

Come. the. fuck. on. America.

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Things that mean you spend too much time on a computer

It can’t be a good indicator of what you spend your life doing when you start attempting to use computer controls in your real life.

I’ve begun using the phrase, “I wish I could just ctrl+z that,” when referring to actual events in my life.

(Apparently that keyboard shortcut is not quite as widely known as ctrl+c/ctrl+v because I often receive strange looks. Which only adds to the pathetisad factor in the Giant Dork Equation.)

Last week I wondered very briefly if I could revert my apartment back to a cleaner state by F5-refreshing the whole place.

And today, while chuckling at my coworker’s ridiculously sloppy desk, I had an urge to take a picture of the sty (in order to mock him righteously with my mad photoshopping skilz, obviously…) but remembered I’d unfortunately taken my camera home yesterday.

Immediately succeeded by the thought:
“Damn, I wish I could just ctrl+print screen this shot.”

Uh oh.

I need to leave this job.

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Things I should not do

I should not update my blog while drunk.

I’m already a terrible speller, so I shall now rely solely on those little red squiggly lines to tell me when I spell things ghastly improperly.

I should mention that I don’t really drink. In college, I was basically a one-day-a-weeker, if that.  Since college, I’m about a once-every-two-to-three-months-er.  So it takes about 2 glasses of wine to get me drunk, theseadays.

Since polishing off a half a bottle of wine (and working on bottle #2), I have done the following:

1) Text my college crush, who I was convinced I was over until he emailed me abotu 3 days ago out of the blue.

2) Told my roommate even more details about my embarrassing hook-up from senior year’s Cinqo de Mayo party. Probably more than she wanted to know, but I love her.

3) Watched an episode of the Colbert Report. Man, if that shit is funny when you’re sober, when you’re drunk, it’s fucking hilarious.

4) Spelled about 2/5 of this post incorrectly.  Red squiggly lines, how I love thee.

Okay, I’m off to read an article in the Atlantic about whether Google is making us smarter (fingers crossed for YES or I by brain is fucking screwed).

Then Newsweek.

Oh my god I’m such a nerd. I’m drunk and I can’t even stop being dorky.

<Insert nerdface here>

PSSST I DON’T KNOW WHAT A NERDFACE LOOKS LIKE.

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Things I should be doing

Things I should be doing:

1) Writing articles and doing formatting for 3 different newsletters

2) Doing stuff for reimbursement so our company actually gets paid by the government to clean up environmentally shitty sites

3) Researching scholarships

4) Applying for said scholarships

5) Budgeting my life for when I have to live pathetically off loans and be in massive debt.

6) Finishing the office recipe book I’ve avoided for 3 months.

Things I am actually doing:

1) Google image searching the following things: HIMYM stuff (see picture below), the word ‘soapy’ (DIRTY!), the word ‘yuck’, puppies in buckets, and Costa Rica

Awesome Gland

Awesome Gland

2) Emailing my coworker who sits 2 feet away from me… mostly with evidence of the above.

3) Thinking about how I’m mad I watched the stupid season finale of Grey’s (which I haven’t watched in over 2 years) and The Last King of Scotland instead of finishing the last 300 pages of Harry Potter 6 last night like I meant to.

4) Making this list comparison instead.

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Things that make me not-so-much “angry” as much as “sad”

Setting: Office, sunny Monday afternoon.

Characters:
Miguel: Incompetent oaf
Me: Diligent office worker with currently less-than-diligent knee, which is bandaged and propped up on desk

<scene>

Miguel:  Oh, hey, I see your knee is wrapped up and elevated there, what happened?

Me: I was playing volleyball last Thursday, I sprained my MCL in my left knee.

Miguel: Oh, wow, that’s what I hurt, too!

Me: Yeah, you mean with your 5th Workers’ Comp claim injury? When you jumped off the truck?

Miguel: Yeah, that’s the one.  So did you go get it checked out?

Me: Yup. I went to the hospital and got it checked out that night. They said that I sprained my MCL and probably pulled my hamstrings, too.  I pinched something on that side when I came down and it was pretty painful.

Miguel:  Wow, I’m surprised you can put your leg stretched up like that after only a couple of days; I couldn’t do that.

Me: Well, didn’t you tear your MCL?

Miguel: Uuuh, well, the doctor said that it’s only a  really small, tiny tear actually.

Me: Uh, wait, didn’t you miss like, 3 or 4 weeks of work because of that?

Miguel: Well, yeah, ‘cuz I had to get an MRI done and stuff.

Me: But if it’s a small MCL tear that doesn’t need surgery, that usually only takes about 2 weeks to heal,?  Err… I thought?  Well. Um, oookaaayy… well, yeah, usually a sprain is not as bad as a tear though, so I guess I got off easy.

Miguel: But you said it hurt, like, a lot, right? Wow, I still can’t believe your leg is able to stretch and bend like that.

Me: Well.. uh, yeah.  I mean, I had crutches for a few days, and I’m still icing and elevating it, but I’m trying to make sure it doesn’t get too stiff and then bending it when I can. You know.

Miguel: Still, wow.  I couldn’t stretch like that when my knee was hurt.

Me: Well, firstly, different injuries. Secondly, you couldn’t stretch like that before your damn injury.

Miguel: Huh?  Well, I’m doing rehab on it now, but… I guess no rehab for you?

Me: No, not really… I’m just trying to be smart about using it.

Miguel: And you’re at work?

Me: Yes,  because you see, some people can put a brace on their knee AND work at the same time.  I guess I’m just really talented, huh?

Miguel: I guess. It sucks though, I haven’t gotten paid yet for my time missed.

Me: That does suck… but it’s because you have barely tried to contact the Workers’ Comp people because you think someone else will do it for you… even though Sienna has told you about 37 times that you need to call them yourself and take care of it because they need confirmation.  But you haven’t done that yet.

Miguel: Durrr?  Sorry, I missed that.  I was spinning in circles and  ran into a wall. I think I need to go file another Workers’ Comp claim.

Me: Well, you can’t, because our coverage got cancelled thanks to your 5 damn claims.

Miguel: [long pause]  Nooooooooooooo!!!! What will I do when I stupidly injure myself from now on!?!

Me: Quit and file for Disability, once more screwing the system meant to protect you?

Miguel: Heeeeeey now…

Me: JOKE, MIGUEL.

<Fin>

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A bit of hypocrisy to commemorate Earth Day

As previously stated, I have the pridenaypleasure of working for an environmental consulting firm.

Without getting into the dull details of what working at an “environmental consulting firm” actually entails, I’ll just clarify and say it means we do a lot of work with making sure people meet the lowest standards of environmental cleanliness.  None of this “activism” shit.

Anywho, despite this, the company is quite proud of its environmental stewardship, and actually does an increasingly proficient job of attempting to be “environmentally-yay”.  We collect rain water to reuse, compost food scraps, recycle up to 80% of all waste, and recently had 40 solar panels installed on the roof.  Overall, we do a fairly good job at the whole Earth-conscious thing for a mid-sized company.

Despite this, there still remains a few glaringly environmentally hypocritical aspects about our business, i.e. that our president prints out every. single. email. he receives (granted, on scrap paper, and sometimes 2 to a page).  Mind you, we email him all of his phone messages and Microsoft Inbox automatically saves your emails – inbox, sent, deleted – and you can search within your folders.

However, my favorite Walk-the-Walk: Fail occurs in the kitchen.  Again, as previously stated in past entries, I’m lucky enough to work at a company where lunch is provided several times a week.  The aspect that bugs me about this, though, is that despite the fact that we have about 30 plates sitting in our cabinets, nearly every. single. person. uses PAPER PLATES.

YAY Environmental Fail

YAY Environmental Fail

Recently, I made a comment to a coworker about how this bothered me (Okay,  fine, the comment was, “NO! Use a real plate, dammit!”), and she told me that her reasoning for using a paper plate is that she doesn’t have a dishwasher at home, and has to do dishes at night and would prefer to just throw out her lunch plate since she can.

The president of the company told me he rinses off his paper plate and then recycles it, because it takes less time to wash than a regular dish and then has the benefit of being recycled.

Now, granted, we don’t have a dishwasher.  I know it is far more efficient to wash dishes in a machine than by hand.  But, honestly?  Isn’t NOT using an object in the first time better than recycling it?  And, yes, I understand the idea of washing takes energy, but before you start chucking out every plate you own, imagine the energy which goes into collecting, transporting, recycling, drenching, cleaning, and bleaching the product before it’s turned into something else.  Then you have to turn it into pulp, and remake it into another product… before collecting and transporting it yet again.

I understand recycling is good… as an alternative to throwing things out.  But generally, if you have the choice to not necessitate us taking even more from the earth?

Um. My way of not using shit in the first place wins.

So, in observance of Earth Day, let’s stand back and take a moment to breathe in the glory of Environmental Stewardship Hypocrisy 101.

YAAAAAAAY EARTH?

YAAAAAAAY EARTH?

And I shall now step down off my self-righteous platform of sanctimonious indignation.

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